got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
