at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
