I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
