twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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