I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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