I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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