Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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