I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
