I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
