i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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