At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
