you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
