yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
