Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
