i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
