We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
