I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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