He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
