I wish i was in the wii world.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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