Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
