I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
