What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
