the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I said "one day" and that day is not today
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
