We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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