I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
