Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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