I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize