dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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