So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
