So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
