So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
