I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
