dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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