You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
