first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
