3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
