I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
