Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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