I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
