dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
