Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
