i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
