I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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