exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
