Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
