woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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