He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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