I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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