if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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