i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
