is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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