I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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