I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
