So drunk its hurt
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
