I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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