oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
one might say we're banned from that church
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
