i just wanna soil my oats bro
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
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Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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