Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
