My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
