I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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