If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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