I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
